Three (plus+) Interviews About Zombies

Zombies
        It probably seems strange to like something as unpleasant as a zombie. They aren’t exactly lovable by most means, first of all. And really, compared to other well-known monsters, the archetypal zombie has far less suave than your average Count Dracula, far less charm than Dracula as well. There’s no raging strength or fierceness like a werwolf. There’s no iconic backstroke like the Mummy or Mr. Hyde. You might even be tempted to say the zombie is the monster equivalent to the clean slate. But the zombie is not without his or her characteristics, and I suppose there are some historical and religious roots if one chooses to go down that road. But maybe the zombie, in his or her phlegmatic lurching menace, has a certain humor. Or maybe I’m over analyzing things.
                                                                                                –
        What do zombies make you think of? Aside from the campy movies I mean. Try hard. Imagine that zombies were an actual part of everyday society. Can you picture it? Maybe one lives down the street from you. That’s right, right down the street in that big house, the one with all the trees out front. Would you be scared of the zombie? I sure would, I can tell you that much. I mean, honestly, he’s a zombie right? What’s stopping him from lurching and lumbering down the street one day, smashing through your front window, and eating your brains? That’s right, nothing. That’s what they eat you know, brains. I’m not really sure why. I’ve never really had brains. Well first of all I don’t go around eating people, that one goes without saying. But I’ve never really had brains from animals either. Have you? They’re probably not that good. I mean, if they were, don’t you think we’d all be eating them? Everyone but Andy, he won’t eat anything, not even good things like pizza.
        

(Did you notice that the tone of that last sentence does not agree with the first?)

                                                                                                –
        Zombies huh? So what is this exactly? You just ask something like that and get everyone’s silly reactions on camera right? So right, zombies. Well. I saw one once. Yeah, sure, you look surprised. I saw when I was about thirteen years old. Me and my mamma were out shopping and we were driving around downtown looking for the mall. This was back before the Town Circle, that hadn’t been built yet. Heh, I guess I’m giving away my age here a little bit. Yeah, right, so anyways, we’re driving around down town looking for this mall because the main entrance to the parking structure was undergoing some kind of repair or constructions or something, so it was closed off and you had to drive around to the other side to come in this other entrance. We was on the way around and we drove down Franklin street, right out there in front of the county court house, and we were stopped at the traffic light. And out there on the lawn was this group of em. Zombies, all just standing out there. It was the damnedest thing. Can I say that? ‘Damnedest’? Aw heck, ya’ll can just bleep it right. Well yeah, see, first I thought they was just people, but they weren’t moving much at all. And so then I thought maybe they was statues, you know, like those ones they’ve got up at Ridgeview park that look like parents and kids and stuff that just got frozen in place. But boy was they ugly. Tattered clothes, messed up skin, not much hair to speak of, even on the woman ones. Looked like a salvation army truck had exploded. Anyway, I thought it was strange that they’d make such ugly statues, and besides that, when you looked really close you could seem them twitching every once any a while. You know, like someone who’s trying to stand still but has an itch. I don’t know about you, but that always gets me. I had to have this cat scan once and the nurse says to me you’re going to have to sit still for 20 minutes while we do the scan, and wouldn’t you know it by nose gets this itch.
        Well yeah, thats what my mamma thought, performance artists. But then this guy on a bicycle goes buy, riding through the park, and all of a sudden one of those things just springs to life. It was like on one of those nature shows. Just tackled the guy to the ground, they wrestle for a second, and then the zombie stands up with the guys head in his hands. Ripped it clean off. That’s about when the light turned. What’s that? Well no, I mean there’s not much you can do for them at that point anyway. They always say don’t try and take a catch from the zombies. I’d say that’s good advice. But that bicycle guy had the last laugh. When we drove back by an hour later that zombie was still trying to bite through his helmet.
                                                                                                –
        A lot of people will tell you to fear the zombies. I bet you’ve got a lot of that already. But what we have to understand is that the zombies are just a part of the natural world. Yes the zombie attacks are increasing, and yes, they are making incursions further and further away from their traditional home territories of grave yards, toxic waste zones, and condemned suburban malls, but this is only because we’re driving them to it. By squeezing them into smaller and smaller spaces, what did we expect would happen.
        Now I know the politicians are making a lot of noise about zombie control, and zombie preserves… You know, this is the way of nature. You see zombies on those nature programs or in the movies and you think they all cute and cuddly and majestic. But you get one film on the news of a pack of zombies taking down some little tricker-treaters that shouldn’t have been in that neighborhood in the first place and well… I don’t know what to tell you.

non linear water fowl issue

        A man is standing in a completely empty void except for a single light post and a bench. The man is leaning against the light post. The man is standing as if waiting for something, and occupies his time by glancing around, adjusting his jacket, riffling through his pockets, etc.
        After a few seconds, another man walks backwards into the frame. This man is carrying a red helium balloon. He is laughing, and shouts to someone off frame.
                YEAH, SEE YOU LATER. NO YOU, SEE YOU LATER. WELL NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST. (laughs)
        The first man is very surpassed to see the other man. He looks off into the direction from whence he came, but can see no one he might be talking to, or where the man came from. The second man turns around, still chuckling to himself, waves at the first man, and begins walking off. The First man tries to stop him.
                HEY. HEY BUDDY.
                YEAH?
                WHERE DID YOU COME FROM JUST NOW?
                HUH?
                JUST NOW, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? SOME CAR OR SOMETHING?
                NA, I WAS JUST OVER THERE?
                WHERE?
                IN THAT APARTMENT BUILDING. MY GIRL’S FLAT IS ON THE 3RD FLOOR.
        The first man looks again, but sees only the void.
                WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERES NOTHING.
                NOTHING?
                THERES NOTHING THERE. IT’S NOTHING. WHERE’S THE APARTMENT?
                OH. (long pause) GUESS YOUR RIGHT. HEH, WHA’DO YOU KNOW.
                SO WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
                WELL NOWHERE I GUESS.
                YOU CAN’T COME FROM NOWHERE. YOU HAVE TO COME FROM SOMEWHERE.
        Both men stare at eachother for a few seconds of silence, then both start speaking at the same time. Both stop, and the second man speaks.
                DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
                NO. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM. I’VE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS AND I HAVENT SEEN ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE SINCE I GOT HERE.
                ITS A GOOD JOKE.
                I’M SURE IT IS. DOESN’T IT EVEN WORRY YOU A LITTLE THAT THERES NOTHING AROUND?
                WHY? SHOULD IT?
                WELL I WOULD THINK SO. I DO THINK SO. I’M WORRIED. HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?
                SAME WAY WE GOT IN?
                HOWS THAT?
                WELL I DON’T KNOW. HOW DID YOU GET HERE?
        The first man thinks for a moment.
                I DON’T REMEMBER.
                WELL WHATS THE LAST THING YOU DO REMEMBER?
                TUNA FISH.
                TUNA FISH? YOU SOME KIND OF FISHERMAN?
                NO. I’M AN ACCOUNTANT.
                YOU LIKE TUNA FISH?
                NOT REALLY. IT’S OK I GUESS.
                OH…YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
                (sighs) FINE, WHATS YOUR JOKE.
                OK, SO THERES THIS DUCK RIGHT, AND HE’S HIT HIS THUMB WITH A HAMMER AND SO…
                DUCKS DON’T HAVE THUMBS.
                WHAT’S THAT?
                I SAY, DUCKS. THEY DON’T HAVE THUMBS. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE HANDS REALLY.
                WELL YEAH, IN REAL LIFE, BUT THIS IS A JOKE. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE.
                RIGHT, BUT I’M JUST SAYING, IT HAS TO MAKE SOME SENSE. I MEAN AT LEAST A LITTLE.
                WELL FINE, HE HIT HIS WING HAMMERING OK.
                NO, NO, THE THUMB IS FINE.
                FINE. HE HIT HIS THUMB HAMMERING. SO ANYWAY, HIS THUMB IS IN A LOT OF PAIN AND HE’S JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND QUACKING AND SAYING ALL THESE CURSE WORDS AND STUFF. SO THEN HE GETS IN HIS CAR AND GOES TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT THE NURSE THERE WON’T SIGN HIM IN BECAUSE HE’S A DUCK RIGHT?
                WHY?
                WELL IT’S A HOSPITAL, SO THEY ONLY TREAT PEOPLE, NOT DUCKS.
                OH, SO THE NURSE IS A HUMAN?
                NO, SHE’S A DUCK TOO.
                BUT SHE WORKS AT A HUMAN HOSPITAL?
                YEAH. SO ANYWAY. HE DEMANDS TO SEE THE MANAGER OF THE HOSPITAL, AND SO THE NURSE CALLS UP TO THE MANAGERS OFFICE, AND THE MANAGER COMES DOWN AND THEY GET IN AN ARGUMENT AND THE MANAGER SAYS TO THE DUCK ‘

Ombudsman

        ”Good morning, you’ve reached The Office of the Federal Ombudsman, my name is Brian, how can I help you today.”
        ”Mmm Hmm, let me just get a file started for you. Is this the first time you’ve called the Ombudsman? I see. Yes, well you see it a very large agency. The Director does not take the calls directly. No, no, that what I’m here for. Thats right.”
        …
        ”Ok, well can I just get your name please. Mmm Hmm, is that with a C or … a K, great. All right, what can I help you with.”
        …
        ”In your trash? Is this at your residence or place of business?”
        ”So the bags were all ripped up then? How, how long had the bags been out? I mean was this trash day or … Were they inside of the dumpster or just … oh you have cans there, of course.”
        …
        ”Well … perhaps this is an issue you should bring up the animal control service in your … Well no … I, I, I can just look up the number and …”
        …
        ”Oh, I see. Well did you get a look at who it was. Right, the one who ripped the bags up. Right, right. Were there several of … just the one.”
        …
        …
        …
        ” … Uh … Yy-Yes I’m still here. Umm … Right, soooo I just want to make sure I have this right for the report. You’re stating that on the night August the 21st of this year … The morning of the 2 … 22, mm hmm, OK, so some time that night, and you found them the next morning. Right. So during the night of the 21st, you witnessed an individual digging … uh huu, digging through your trash and … ”
        …
        ” … OK, so you witnessed Teddy Kennedy digging through your trash. Is that accurate?”
        ”Mmm Hmm. And … sooo you mean the senator, senator Kennedy? Right? How can you be sure it waaaas him?”
        ”No no, I just … well it was the middle of the night after all and … mm hmm … a streetlight. Still … no … no … well did he say anything?”
        ”Noooo, I don’t think the senator can speak French. Well … no, no, it’s not listed here on his personnel page.”
        …
        ”I suppose so, but why would he keep it a secret? … Yeah, ya … No, I’m entering it into the log now.”
        …
        ”Ok, well did he say anything else? Anything in English?”
        …
        ”He said your lasagna … he wa … No, well I’m sure your lasagna is very good. Well it was a very rude thing to say … Yes right, over, over on the boat, I’m sure it’s a very good recipe … Well your right, it’s not going to be as good in the trash, I agree, I agree with you.”
        ”Can I ask you about the, aaah, the senator again.”
        …
        ”No. Well it’s just that I’m wondering if maybe you could be mistaken … Right. Right. Well it’s just that Idaho is quite a distance from Washington D.C. and I thought that maybe …”
        …
        ”Well I’m looking here at his voting records and it says that the senator was present for votes on the 21 and the 22 … ye … yes, well I don’t know about security cameras, but senate proceedings are broadcast … they broadcast them live on, on CSPAN”
        ”About 11 am … Washington, eastern, eastern time.”
        ”Well I suppose, but why would he travel to Idaho to … but why to … the … the lasagna … right.”
        ”Well have you talked to your local Police Department about this?”
        …
        ”No, I’m sure that the senator would be delighted to get a copy of the recipe, I just think that …”
        ”Right, but what I mean to say is that … mmm hmm, …”
        ”Ok, well let me just pull it up.”
        ”Ok, you have a pen handy? Right, it’s Office of Senator Kennedy, United States Senate, Washington D.C.”
        …
        ”Umm hmm, and it’s 20510, … 510, 20510.”
        ”Right, well I’m glad to help. Umm hmm, you have a nice day. Well thank you. Have a nice day. Goodbye.”

Waffle Time

So you wake up one morning. Wake up is a strong word for it I know, you are barely conscious, just enough to feel the pain where you stubbed you toe on something, but not enough to remember that it was on the books that you left by your bed the night before and swore to yourself that you would remember in the morning so that you would not step on them. It’s not really important, the important thing is that you’re up, out of bed, walking around.

So you’re up, and you begin the morning ritual. Look in the closet, no clothes. There are dirty ones on the floor, but nothing clean on the dresser. You look at the dirty ones.

“Are these really that dirty?”

No, no, don’t start thinking that. You stop yourself just in time.

“Wait, that one there looks almost folded, maybe it just fell off the dresser.”

No, stay with me, were going somewhere with all of this.

So anyway, you stagger out of the closet and head for the door to the hall and on your way to the bathroom. Watch it, you almost tripped over that pile of clean clothes… See I told you.

“Yeah, no one likes a know it all.”

Ok, fine, skipping ahead. Clothes, clothes, teeth, shower, towel, hair, clothes. Good, we’re all caught up. Now breakfast.

“No breakfast.”

Like I said, no breakfast.

“Maybe just a little.”

“Waffles I think.”

Not the song, not the song.

“It’s…waffle time, it’s waffle time, time to sing and time to shine…”

This just isn’t working.

“…did you get the waffle today, then hey hey hey we’re on our way…”

I said, THIS JUST ISN’T WORKING…

“Aiya! Fine, I’ll do it. I don’t know what they brought you in for anyway. This whole skip around thing just makes me queasy. MTV does not work in print.”

MTV!? Shows what you know. Plus, it’s the waffles making you queasy, anything that can survive in the freezer for years and then be hot and steaming and ready to eat in less than a minute…look at these ingredients, that thing is basically chemicals pressed into waffle shape.

“I know, it’s in the song remember. …If the Russians come, and the h-bombs fall, the waffles will protect us all, the chemicals leech into your skin, so the radiation can’t get in…”

I quit.